The Last City Read online

  And instead, I spent the remainder of the early morning hours with Grid and Gia in their moonlit garden. They’d taken up residence in a small cottage, set near the middle of town, with warriors on every side of them. Smart, considering Gia was expecting. Haize advised me that he or she would be the first child born on this planet since before the war. And we all knew from her smile, that she knew what sex the child would be. But she refused point-blank, to tell anyone, not even the pleading soon-to-be parents.

  But as exciting as it was, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the people in the city. It had been several hundred years since the war. And I had to wonder if it was their choice not to procreate, or the Central Unit’s.

  Gia’s garden however, provided a view of the dome on one side, and the Arena on the other - thankfully though, it was still too dark to see it. And before them stretched the town as it stepped down in row after row, of house and street, all winding down toward the ocean.

  The garden was peaceful, I needed the open air. And as exhausted as I felt, I couldn’t yet go inside. Every time I began to even think about being enclosed in a room, alone, by myself, my chest would tighten and the word no, would urgently whisper over and over in the back of my mind.

  I needed to be outdoors, at least for now, and I remained in their garden, my back to the Arena, with Grid and Gia keeping me company. Surrounding us was warm light, providing a gentle glow for us to see, and warmth enough to keep the nighttime chill at bay.

  Gia kept looking at me concerned, as though at any moment I was going to fall apart, limb from limb, my mind cracking open. She remained mostly quiet, occasionally patting my hand or my wrist. I tried to be comforted, but instead, I was a little annoyed at her touches. I smiled anyway, every time she did, not wanting to offend her. Until finally, I captured her hand in both of mine, and gently held it.

  Hammond and Rebecca joined us in the garden. But in their middle of the night rush to get to us, they hadn’t changed out of their nightclothes. I however, wished they hadn’t arrived. I didn’t want conversation either. I wanted peace. I needed to run the events through my mind. I needed to see it, to feel it, react to it, and begin my long-drawn out, self-tormenting process of filing it away.

  I began to wish my therapist from Earth was around. But then again, I wondered how this plane of existence, or even its very existence, would pan out in his narrow map of reality. But I couldn’t fault him, not for that.

  “Lydia, stop it,” Grid was staring at me, studying me, as though he knew what I was thinking. But he couldn’t read my mind. None of the four with me could, so I knew my thoughts were safe.

  My face however, no doubt gave away every emotion.

  “You’ll not do this to yourself,” he told me.

  “I can,” Rebecca said.

  “I don’t need to,” Grid added.

  “What?” I asked them, confused by their words.

  Hear your thoughts, Gia’s voice sounded in my mind, and she smiled at me apologetically.

  I can also send my thoughts to you, came Rebecca.

  “When did you learn to do that?” I asked her.

  “Not long after I started going to the Arena,” Rebecca responded. “I always thought the voices were just my own insanity, until Lena explained what I was hearing.”

  “Well, I sure as heck can’t read anyone’s mind,” Hammond complained.

  “Dearest, you’re not trying,” she said to him.

  But he only smiled back at her; his eyes brightening when she returned the expression.

  I couldn’t dwell upon this new development. I missed Jordan, and wished he would hurry. I didn’t want to go back to our house. I couldn’t. And I couldn’t go into the city, not with the Guardian back in place. I was more than content with the solitude of our treehouse, but I wasn’t sure how safe we would be there, isolated and far from anyone to help if we should need it.

  I looked up at Grid, he was still staring at me, though his face was blank.

  “You will both live with us,” he said softly. Not a question, nor an invitation to be declined. Instead, he stated it as though it was a fact, that that was indeed what we were to do.

  Gia squeezed my hand, holding me in place, as though I would run away from the offer. “And I don’t want to hear any argument from you.”

  I wanted to laugh, but instead a single tear escaped me. Gia had never been forceful with anyone, it wasn’t in her. And I could hear in her tone how much she meant it.

  “You shouldn’t be alone,” she said.

  “I wouldn’t be.”

  “She means the both of you,” Grid corrected. “Neither of you should be alone.”

  She looked across at him for a moment before turning back to me. Grid stood and reached for my hand. I didn’t want to leave the garden, but I didn’t complain. I would be safe with him. And I quietly followed him, as he led me through his house to a set of rooms, that looked as though they hadn’t been used, and we stopped in front of the largest.

  The room was in the rear of the house, the back wall of which butted up against the mountainside. It had only one wide window that would allow the morning sun to shine through. And as I stared at it, I could clearly see the darker shades of night were lifting, softening into an early morning deep-blue.

  The room however was empty.

  “No furniture?” I asked him.

  “We didn’t get around to it. We haven’t yet decided what to do with the room. But at least you and Jordan can furnish it the way you would like.”

  “So, I’m back in your spare room, huh?”

  “What would you do without me?”

  “Thank you,” I turned and hugged him briefly.

  “That’s my job,” I heard quietly from behind us. And when I opened my eyes Jordan was there, waiting patiently.

  Grid released me and handed me off to him.

  “Thank you,” Jordan said to him, and rested one hand in a brotherly fashion upon Grid’s shoulder.

  “Bathroom is all yours, we have our own. Anything you need,” he paused, and smiled. “You know what to do.” He then left us in the hallway.

  Jordan pulled me into the empty room and looked about, inspecting it. He then moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

  “So, what are we going to do with this room?”

  “Something simple,” I said to him. “You decide.”

  “No,” he kissed my cheek, and I looked up to see him attempting to smile down at me. He then picked up my hand. “We decide together.”

  He placed my hand with his against the panel and I formed an image in my mind, keeping the lines of the room as straight and as smooth as I could. When I opened my eyes, the room was just the way I’d imagined, and I turned to him, narrowing my eyes. He didn’t participate in that at all.

  “You need to be comfortable.”

  “I only need you,” I told him. He placed his arm around me once more, but I couldn’t fall into him the way I normally would.

  “Come on, you need a bath,” he said.

  “Haize took care of that.”

  “No, you need the water on your skin, not a cleansing scan.”

  He pulled me into the bathroom and pressed his hand to the panel. Instantly, the tub was filled with steaming, scented water. I briefly closed my eyes as I inhaled the scent, and a memory of long ago Earth filled my mind. He undressed me, carefully, slowly, barely touching my skin. He then undressed himself and lifted me into the tub.

  “Lay back and close your eyes,” he whispered, as we settled into the water, and he gently pulled me closer, with my back to his chest. “You’re safe now.” Although, I couldn’t tell if he was reassuring me, or himself.

  He wrapped one arm around my waist, the other across my chest to my shoulder, and I lay my head back, nestled into his neck. His soul gently wove through mine, warming me from the inside, and I closed my eyes.

  When I awoke the room was dark. I w
as still lying upon his chest, his arms were still around me, but we were no longer in the tub. Instead, there was softness beneath me and warm blankets wrapped around my body.

  “Where are we?” I asked. I couldn’t tell from the darkness and I sat up. I didn’t like not being able to see.

  “With Grid and Gia. You’re safe. Go back to sleep.”

  “Light,” I whispered. And the room gently glowed, just enough to remove the shadows. Better. I realized though, that I’d slept through the day.

  “I love you,” I said, looking up at him and stroked his face with my fingertips. He turned to kiss my palm, but before his lips made contact, he captured my hand in his, and removed it from his face. Then entwining our fingers, he held our clasped hands against his chest.

  “I love you too. Just sleep.”

  That was our first night in the same bed that I felt alone, missing that feeling of being wanted, needed. I hated the ward. I wanted to rip him to shreds all over again.

  And the following night and the night after that were the same. The ward hadn’t only taken away my peace of mind, he’d also taken away Jordan’s need to be with me. He didn’t attempt to kiss me, and his hugs were either barely there, or a squishfest against his chest, which I didn’t so much mind. Jordan seemed to be withdrawing from me. And I had to wonder whose mind the ward had messed with more.

  On the fourth night, he leaned back against the headboard and pulled me into his arms. As I lay my head upon his chest, he whispered to me to sleep. But I couldn’t. I tried to sense what he was feeling and I realized his emotions were faint, as though he was keeping something on the surface to be seen and felt, but what he was really feeling was kept deep within, locked away.

  “Talk to me,” I said, looking up at him.

  “About what?” he whispered back.

  “Whatever is going on with you?”

  “I’m…” he began.

  Don’t you dare say fine, I sent to his mind, and he stopped.

  He stared back at me, holding his breath. And then let it out. “Twice now, I’ve seen the very heart of my existence,” beaten and … but he ended the thought. Even there, inside his head, he couldn’t form the words.

  I sat up to look at him, and placed my fingers over his lips.

  “No,” I said to him. “Apart from my back, he did nothing else to me. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, not like before.”

  But his face remained a mask, as though he couldn’t take in what I’d said.

  “You need to talk to me,” I told him.

  “I couldn’t protect you,” he whispered. “I was on my way back to you, half way across the fields when I heard you. Grid knew something was wrong, the moment he saw me. He followed me back. I wish I hadn’t left you. I wish I hadn’t stayed so long in the city. I may have been able to spare you, at least some of it, if I hadn’t.”

  “Don’t do that,” I quietly urged him. “Not to me and not to you. Don’t say if only. Don’t ever say that. I used to live in if only, and it sank me to a place I never want to be again. What happened, happened. We can’t change it. We deal with it and we let it go.”

  He didn’t respond. He only looked at me. I still couldn’t read his thoughts.

  I rolled on top of him, straddling my legs on either side of his body, then leaning toward him, I placed my hands upon his cheeks.

  Please be with me, I thought to him, and released my soul to move with his. But as I moved through him, searching for him, I could barely feel him, as though he’d locked himself away. Please my love, I need you. Come back to me.

  It was then that he reached for me, his soul answering mine, as the warmth within me wove its way around him. I released my every feeling for him, filled him with my need for him. But the pain he was in overtook my relief at feeling him again. However, the moment he felt me, and understood that I was healing, he released his pain in a long, drawn out exhale. He then replaced it with his affection for me. And what he expressed overwhelmed my senses. The strength of his love wound around me, sheltering me, he cocooned me within his soul, and filled in those empty spaces within me. I felt whole, complete. Like I could breathe for the first time in my existence.

  When I opened my eyes I smiled, “Do that again.”

  And he did. I couldn’t get enough of the feeling of being wrapped completely within him, and I wished we could stay that way forever.

  Eventually though, he released me, and captured my face in his hands. Then holding my gaze, he slowly leaned in.

  My stomach fluttered the same way it did the first time we kissed in the tree-hut. And when his lips found mine, I found my home.

  It wasn’t long before our clothes came away, and our hands explored one another. I’d missed this. His touch. His kiss. I didn’t realize how much, until I had it again. Though as his hands caressed me, the first memory of the ward came back.

  Unable to breathe, I released Jordan’s mouth, and I forced the memory away.

  “Are you ok?” he whispered.

  “Yes, don’t stop.”

  He picked me up, cradled me against him and then lay me down beside him. I wrapped one leg around his waist and pulled him closer, but the memory of the ward invaded my mind again. His hands holding me, hurting me, my skin prickling from the pain.

  Mine, I heard in my head, but it wasn’t Jordan’s voice. It was just a memory, and I pushed it away thinking, Not his.

  I opened my eyes, refusing to give in to it and focused upon Jordan. He was kissing me, he was touching me. Every sensation from the warm body beside me was Jordan.

  His hand traveled down my side, over my hip, along my leg and then slowly back up. I knew his touch, the feel of his skin, the pressure he used in all the right places, but in my head, all I could feel was the ward. But I couldn’t let him stop me. I refused to let the ward take this away from us.

  I sent my soul through Jordan, needing his around me, needing that cocoon. And he willingly obliged, wrapping me tightly within him.

  He eased me backward to settle above me, and I gasped as the memory returned full force. It slaughtered the calm that I’d tried to maintain, peeling back my layers of bravery until I was raw pain. And all I saw was the ward, all I felt was the ward. And all I heard were his words, over and over.

  Mine. We are connected… soulmates… I’ll never lie to you. Mine.

  His hands, his voice, even the soft lips kissing me turned to biting pain. My heart squeezed back into my chest and with shaking hands I pushed him off me. The ward would not have me, not ever.

  I scrambled to the edge of the bed, ready to run, but I didn’t want to run. I wanted to hit him, punch him, kick him, and I stayed where I was, ready for his attack.

  But there was no attack. Instead there was only Jordan’s voice whispering to me, his hands held up in an offer of peace.

  It’s Jordan, Lydia, you’re safe. It’s only me, he began in my head. “Lydia, it’s me. There’s only me. You’re safe now,” he repeated out loud.

  And as the fear abated, my head dropped to my chest. “I’m sorry.” I tried not to cry, but the emotion was already rolling down my face.

  “Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for. Can I hold you?”

  I nodded and tried to shuffle across the bed to him, but he already had me. Then holding me close against his chest, he gently stroked the hair away from my face.

  “Haize said you may react that way. It may take time. But we will be ok. I promise you, we will. We’ll take it slow.”

  I couldn’t respond. I could only lay there, immersed in his soul, wrapped up in his arms. And I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to close my eyes. I focused instead, upon the feeling of his hand stroking my temple, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the warmth of his breath caressing my skin, and the steady sound of his heartbeat. I knew I was safe. And I eventually gave in to the exhaustion.

  21

  Fallout

  We spent the next two days mos
tly in Gia’s garden, with the occasional stroll down to the beach. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, nor why the ward had affected me the way he did. I’d trained hard with Lena and Dax, physically I was sure I’d been ready. But perhaps I should have spent more time with Mya in the Colony.

  Jordan never left me alone. Not even for a second. But I wouldn’t have wished for anything else.

  “Tell me something,” he whispered, one quiet afternoon. We were once more, enjoying the serenity of the garden. Neither speaking, neither needing to.

  “Anything,” I told him.

  “That night,” he began, glancing at me, and I caught his meaning - two nights ago. “I heard his words in your mind, I heard part of what you were remembering. You never told me, and no one has been able to read from you, what had happened. He was concealing you from me, wasn’t he?”

  I nodded, not expecting this line of questioning, but I should have expected it, sooner or later. Perhaps I should have volunteered the details, but instead, I’d tried hard to not think about it, any of it.

  “How?”

  “He said he had the power of the Guardian. He could control where my thoughts went while I was with him. He could hear you, through me.”

  His words came back to me, all that he’d said. I doubted I would ever forget.

  “There’s more isn’t there?” Jordan asked.

  I nodded again, and sighed inwardly, not wanting him to hear my resistance, but I was sure he could feel it.

  “You don’t have to say it, if you’re not up to it. But it would help if we knew all that was going on.” The we, I knew, included Haize. I’d never once sensed her in my head, but anytime I’d thought of Haize, there was always a sense of comfort and safety that accompanied those thoughts.

  I glanced down at my hand in his and knew I had to tell him. And I did, every word, as hard as it was to say, and as hard as it would be for him to hear it.