The Last City Page 19

  “Not all, but they will be,” she responded.

  I didn’t want to give the next question a voice. It couldn’t possibly happen again.

  “Does Jordan need to return to the city?” I barely managed. I couldn’t go through that again - the separation, the distance. And then I realized that I had willingly separated myself from him. The very thought stopped my breath.

  “No, he doesn’t. Mason made some adjustments to the Guardian’s protection parameters, to include everything that is enclosed within Aleric’s signals.”

  “So, we’re safe here?” I asked in a strangled voice, wishing I could reach out to Jordan.

  “Little late to be asking that question, but yes.”

  “Do you know when… the rest of the wards will be recalled?” I couldn’t look at her when I asked this, and I tried to close off all thought and emotion that resulted from that very question. I didn’t want her to read me, but more importantly I didn’t want to feel it. The fear… at the thought of him… coming for me. Despite all of my preparation, my fear of the ward still managed to crawl down my neck, and wrap around my chest.

  She paused before answering though. Her words were slow, deliberate. “He can’t get out.”

  Words, I’d heard, over and over. And even though I’d seen him, locked in his isolation chamber, I still couldn’t make myself believe.

  “And even if he does, don’t think about the possibilities. If he does, you just react. You can take him,” she said, without a hint of teasing. Her tone was filled with sincerity, and confidence. She believed that I could defend myself against him. Physically, perhaps I could. Emotionally however, I couldn’t say with any confidence, that I wouldn’t shut down again, defeat myself before even giving myself a chance to do what I knew I could do.

  “You need to come back to Tira-Mi.”

  “I know.” I had to get over this fear, no matter what it took. And now that I knew Dax was not quite at my level, I was sure he could help me learn faster.

  We stared out at the remaining light of the sunset, watching the last of Jordan’s colors leave the sky, and once his stars became visible Lena called for light in the treehouse. I preferred the darkness. The stars glimmering down on me felt like Jordan’s eyes watching me.

  “So, why did you shut him out?”

  “Have you spoken to him?”

  “No. While I was looking for you it took everything I had just to catch the bits and pieces from him that I did.”

  But when she didn’t say anymore, I was a little too forceful when I prompted her on. “And?”

  “He needs you to trust him.”

  “I do trust him.”

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. “You walked away. You shouldn’t have.”

  She stared at me, motionless, waiting for me to respond, but I couldn’t. I needed her to keep talking. I needed to hear her thoughts, her opinions, not to have my own actions justified, but to have his. I knew him, I knew he wouldn’t shut me out for lack of courage on his part, nor for any deceit. But he’d given me no reason at all, not even a hint, and I needed something to stop the second guesses, the selfish void of doubt, and the fear of losing him to forces I didn’t know how to fight.

  “He doesn’t want to see her and hurt her because she left him. He wants to hurt her because she’s the reason this planet was destroyed. She’s the reason why his family is dead. She did this. She’s in charge.”

  Her words dripped into my brain, one by one, igniting understanding. Which then quickly transformed into a deep-seated regret that rolled down my chest, and clenched at the pit of my stomach. My fault. My mistake. For walking away.

  “Why didn’t he tell me this?” I whispered.

  “You need to ask him that question. But that’s not all that’s wrong with him,” she said. “And whatever else there is, he’s hiding it well,” she sighed as she spoke and paused, as though contemplating her own words. “But at least, his training with us is finally sinking in.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We are not merciful. He doesn’t just want her dead. He wants to take her apart a little piece at a time, from the inside out. He wants her to suffer, body and soul, for all of eternity. And so he should, after all she’s done.”

  “What?” I said, attempting to sit up straight. I couldn’t imagine those thoughts running through Jordan’s head. It was one thing to want vengeance, but another entirely to want to do to another person, what her words described.

  “And there it is. The reason why he doesn’t want to discuss it,” she said, wiggling her finger at my face again.

  “You just told me Jordan wants to torture someone for the rest of their eternal lives, and I’m supposed to be ok with it? No, Lena, that’s not who he is!”

  “It is who he is. It’s just not who you think he is. You’re either with him or you’re not. And there is no middle ground when it comes to what those people will do,” she said, poking the air above her. “Hell, Lydia, look around you. The place is generated, they obliterated every living cell outside of the city. And you don’t even know the full extent of the damage.”

  She stopped speaking and instead only stared at me. I didn’t want to ask. How could there possibly be anything worse than the annihilation of the entire planet and almost every living thing on it. But I couldn’t accept that Jordan would torture someone, no matter what they’d done. I’d felt every part of his soul and there was not a shred of malice within him. And I couldn’t help but wonder, if he were to go through with his need to hurt another person in the worst possible ways, would it change what I felt inside of him?

  As I contemplated this, I realized that I couldn’t ask him to forsake who he was or how he felt, because of me, or because of who I thought he was, or should be.

  “That’s why he needed to be there, in the city, without me beside him,” I mumbled.

  “At first, he only wanted to be sure it was her that he was sensing. And then he needed to be sure he would have no reservations about killing her if he got the chance.”

  “But why then, was I wrong to leave? How could I have even guessed at half of what you said?”

  “You lost faith.”

  Her words, spoken so softly, fluttered through me, not gently, but instead with razor-tipped butterfly wings. Those three words could not have had a greater impact if she’d screamed them.

  “But, so did he,” I barely managed, and then cleared my throat. “He couldn’t tell me.”

  “He isn’t ready to share it. Not even with Haize, who could help him heal. Whatever his reason that has caused these feelings within him, he cannot even think about it. He’s buried his reason so deeply within himself, so that not even he can feel it. And you shouldn’t ask him about it either. He needs to do whatever it is he needs to do. This was after all, his life. He was once a part of the council in the city, before the war. They,” she said, pointing skyward again. “Don’t know what has occurred since, and they still consider him in charge.”

  I was right back where I was. My mistake. My fault. I didn’t know how to fix it either. I kept putting my needs ahead of his and I couldn’t understand why. This wasn’t me. It never had been. I was always the obliging one. Always, it made me happy to see another smile, or to feel better than what they were feeling, even at my own expense. Something had changed me, or was changing me. And this was one time, where I preferred the other me, the way I used to be.

  “Something has changed,” Lena said, reading me. “You have. You’re actually living now. You’re breathing, you’re allowing yourself to feel.”

  “I felt stuff before,” I interrupted.

  “I don’t think you did. I think you were just getting by. Content with your little family circle until you lost them. And Brian was your last attempt to go through the motions of being human.”

  I wished she hadn’t said his name. It brought up memories I didn’t want to think about anymore. Especially not now w
ith my head filled with wine. But I let them play out their little scenes in my mind. I allowed the emotion to follow them around, and I waited out the fading pain.

  “I’m not apologizing for that,” she said, indicating the tears rolling down my face.

  I wanted to laugh at her, for she just did. But a smile was all I could manage.

  “What makes you think you know me so well.”

  Her only response was holding up her small flask, and shaking it at me.

  “You’re rather insightful, considering you’re from Heart.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You’re going to take this the wrong way… but most of the time you’re cold, no emotion, as though it’s optional. You suppress it.”

  “I don’t find that the least bit offensive,” she laughed at my revelation. “And we do show emotion. There’s just a time and a place for it. We keep it in check. Unlike you. You let it rule you.”

  “I do too much, don’t I.” The wine was definitely making its presence known, but I didn’t want to let it drag me any further down into its depressive depths.

  I lay my head back against the couch, and closed my eyes. But I immediately forced them open again when my head tried to swim in opposite directions at the same time. I left the couch to stand next to the open doorway, and breathed in the cool, night air.

  “What do I do? What do I say?” I asked the stars, but not expecting an answer.

  “How about, sorry for walking out on you, again,” Lena responded anyway.

  Once our container was drained she handed me a tube of Grid’s blue miracle cure and left, stating she’d rather to return to Tira-Mi than sleep on my couch.

  I wasn’t ready to go back, despite how much I needed to. I had to get my head straight before I made any more promises to him. I darkened the treehouse and resumed my solitude beneath the covers. And I kept myself closed off from him. I knew he would be in pain, I just didn’t want him to feel mine, as well.

  I was sure however, that with the wine, my night would be dream-free, but instead I found myself inside the sort of beautiful dream that should never end, or should continue upon waking. For I was overwhelmed with that sense of him, surrounding me, filling me, touching me. I needed him with me. I missed him. But as I felt myself waking, I found his presence was still with me. His warmth was wrapped around me, my back was to his chest. His soul wove its way deep inside of me, stirring mine to join him. One arm was wrapped around me, holding me to him. His other free hand caressed my skin beneath the covers and I relished every sensation. Waking up in his arms each morning, was the hope I held each night before closing my eyes.

  Upon feeling me stir, he nuzzled his head into my neck, but when I felt his breath upon my skin, his scent entering my lungs, the memories came back to me and the guilt clamped down inside me.

  “Shh,” he whispered, as his hand trailed down my stomach.

  “Jordan,” I whispered back.

  “Don’t speak.”

  His hand increased its pressure, removing every inclination to speak. I gasped at his touch, and I let him lead me into that heightened state of bliss. He pulled us out of our bodies, and encased me with his love, filling me with his need for me, for us, for that one moment of unrestrained union.

  He lifted himself away from my back, while gently pushing me down. He then lowered his body to cover mine, resting his weight upon me. I wanted to smile at the feeling. I wanted to pull him closer, but his eyes held me in place.

  I love you, more than my words or my soul, could ever express. He spoke to my mind, and my heart leapt at the sound. You are a part of me that I could never be without. If not for you, I would not exist.

  I’m sorry, I thought back to him. I’ll never lose faith again. I opened my heart to him, releasing my warmth into him, filling him with everything he meant to me.

  Then wrapping myself around him, body and soul, I held on tight as his mouth made love to mine and he filled me, slowly, with everything that he was.

  ∞

  When next I awoke I smiled at the feeling of him all around me. There was no place in any part of any existence that could compare to being beside him. Although, I couldn’t help but wonder why he came for me.

  “I couldn’t stay away from you another day. I’d reached my limit.”

  I laughed, but out of pure joy at hearing his feelings correspond with mine.

  “Come on,” he said, gently caressing my soul with his. “We need to get back to Tira-Mi. It may be protected here, but it’s better if we stay amongst others.”

  As his warmth retreated, it struck me that I could feel his presence once more, but I bit my lower lip, determined to keep this line of questions inside.

  Before we left the treehouse however, he pulled me to him. He raised one hand to my cheek and I leaned into his palm, then softly, he stroked my hair away from my face.

  “There’s so much I need to tell you,” he said.

  “Why were you so closed to me?” I didn’t want to drag up the conversation, but the question had a mind of its own, and sprang off my tongue before I could stop it. “And… now I can sense you again.”

  He took a deep breath, and then exhaled his resignation. “There are some things I can’t share, not yet,” he sighed, and looked at me apologetically. “Mason helped bury the memories in my head, until I’m ready to deal with them.”

  I gave him a small smile, attempting to reassure us both. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to share everything with me. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” I attempted to explain. “I don’t need to know the details. I only need to know that you are with me, no matter what.”

  “My love, you know I am.”

  “I do, but I apparently, sometimes need to be reminded.”

  18

  Separation

  We enjoyed a slow walk back to Tira-Mi, and I relished the warm, comforting feeling of his hand in mine. Neither of us saying much, just appreciating what we had. I could have walked that way with him, around the entire planet.

  It was evening when we made it back to our hill-top home. We watched the fading sun as the last of its light sank into the distance.

  The following morning, he informed me that he needed to go back to the city to see Mason. And when he did, I clamped my mouth closed before any wayward thoughts escaped, giving myself a moment to think before speaking. I didn’t want to question. But I also didn’t want to spend the day without him.

  “And I can’t go with you,” I said.

  “I would rather you didn’t attract the Guardian’s attention, for obvious reasons.”

  “But will you be ok? I mean, to enter the city… with the wards?”

  “Of course,” he smiled at me, stroking my cheek.

  “You should still be careful, though. Why can’t Mason work from Tira-Mi?”

  “He needs to stay with the Spire. He wouldn’t leave it, even if the militia did manage to take over,” he said, placing one warm palm upon my cheek.

  “Just come back to me, and soon,” I whispered, keeping every protest locked inside.

  He kissed me for several moments before rising. However, the moment he left the room, I threw my head into his pillow, and breathed him in.

  I didn’t move until after I’d sensed him walking through our garden. I didn’t want to follow him out, I’d be too tempted to follow him to the edge of Tira-Mi, then to the edge of the Colony, and then the city.

  I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do with myself, and so I did the only thing I knew. I ran to the dome, suited up and fought with simulated-ward-wearing Dax until I could no longer stand. He reassured me that he was fighting at my level, but I didn’t care, and I pressed him to fight harder.

  After several hours though, he dragged me out of the room and down to Haize, who was thankfully, ready for me. Dax stayed while Haize healed me, no doubt waiting to muster me back up to the training room for more practice. But before s
he could finish, Dax and Haize each swung their heads up at the same time, to stare at one another.

  “Go,” she urged him. And he ran from the room, with an animal-like growl erupting from him as he left.

  “Haize, what’s wrong?”

  “It’s Lena,” she said, as she closed her eyes and turned her head to concentrate. “She’s being attacked.”

  “Who would attack Lena?” I asked, but that was obvious. The Guardian would want her in its ranks, of course.

  “She’s ok. Well, I wouldn’t say ok, but she’s not hurt… much,” she said. Then opening her eyes, she released me from her screen. “Come with me.”

  I could feel my insides complain as I stood; I was not completely healed. However, I attempted to keep up with her as she ran through the dome. We suited up, and then flew to the stadium.

  “Where is she?” Haize asked, as she entered the healing room.

  “On her way,” Gaias told her. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, or afraid.

  A moment later, Lena burst into the room carrying an unconscious Hera. She threw her onto an empty table, and stared down at her. She then planted her fists upon its white surface as though she was trying to stop herself from tearing into the unconscious body.

  Bruises were beginning to appear upon the exposed parts of Lena’s skin, and a black and red scorch mark wrapped around her neck. It looked as though someone had tried to burn their way through her.

  “Strap her down,” Lena said, her voice shaking with anger. I’d never seen her express such rage. “She’s working with the Guardian.”

  Haize sighed. “We should have known it would try to control her, once it was reinstated.”

  “No,” Lena said, with a snarl. “She’s not working for the Guardian. She’s working with the Guardian. She’s shared everything with it. Willingly shared it. It knows everything now.”

  Haize briefly paled before righting herself. “Someone get Castor here. And Connor. And… the whole damn council.”

  “When she wakes up,” Lena began again. “You tell her, the next time she wants to come at me in a group attack, she’s gonna need a few more men.”